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Only Thing I Want to Keep

by Freshman Biology

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1.
I’m traveling I’m in good company No I’s I’d want to be But the hum of the train yard coming into… I can’t understand the front seat Over the music And I don’t mind You always have great taste Fists full of changing leaves I miss you more than I’d like!
2.
It could have ended sooner In a more distracting place Or fizzled out from distance Left halfway unexplained But these are the wheels in motion Red mountains of old clay Thought the drizzle was a fiction ’Til I spun out in the rain Of course I’ll drive you home We’re going to the same place We’ll get your car in the morning Then wave, and shut our different doors We could have withered softly In a more forgiving way What’s done is done, chameleon You turned the soil strange These are the stars untethered Hear the thunder in the cage? Thought the lightning might remember No need to reiterate Shit sucks if I upset you I’m only taking your lead A precedent you set free The first week after three years You bring him home Where we split the rent I want to feel wanted too Of course I’ll drive you home We’re going to the same place We’ll get your car in the morning Then wave, and shut our different doors Of course it’s only timing But time takes a while I’ll see you when we’re anchored Then smile, and shut our different doors
3.
Coddled, content I forget and forget Which whims I flew with And which I had left As a spectral scent A chameleon sheds Familiar urges Are pulling him Coast to coast Coast to coast Coast to coast There’s nothing in the middle That would let me know I’m loved when I’m low Robbed of intent I resent and resent How slowly I fled from The hurricane wind Still water tipped From the birdbath we chipped A deafening whisper trickles in Dope of the spirit I don’t dare to resist And it goes Coast to coast Coast to coast Coast to coast When I’m by you I feel loved when I’m low Coast to coast Coast to coast But I wish I didn’t know you were hiding Every other song I wanna know what’s in the middle Where the land locks Where the roads unfold Miles of the same Let my brain bathe in new nothings Kneeling in the dry canyon’s dry shade Coddled, content I pretend and pretend The new whims I gather Will be my amends Cicadas will sing And the current will bring The familiar cadence Bent on pulling me Coast to coast  Coast to coast Coast to coast There’s someone in the noise Who will let me know I’m loved when I’m low I’m loved when I’m low I’m loved when I’m low
4.
Speed Traps 03:22
We could not have laughed harder on the day That they installed a speed trap in your neighborhood O Baroness Berating (Seven leashes bearing seven dogs) So skilled in her art, Shrieked at us in unearthly decibels I think she threatened to call your mom Still we tried to beat our record With the reckless timbre of: If there’s a car around this bend, we are going to die. If there’s a car around this bend, we are going to wreck it and then die Slowly, I realized I didn’t miss you like I thought I would, And we stood in the December chill like Seven sinners transgressing seven gods. I never want to see this parking lot again. If there’s a car around this bend, we are going to die. If there’s a car around this bend, we are going to wreck it and then die The current is a fiction, And I am the car around the bend Seven leashes bearing seven dogs; Seven sinners transgressing seven gods.
5.
Why don’t I know it? Am I so drawn to you? In the back of your car Sun rises, sun sets Why can’t I feel it? Am I so deep in my own head? In the blink of an eye Sun rises, sun sets Why should I shed it, When I went and made it a part of me? In the back of your car Sun rises And we fall asleep I’m sure I’ll find it When I’m back in the sound In the face of a stranger Sun rises, somehow I want to know what’s in the edges Where the lands melts And leaves no trace Where the river meets her promised sea In a soft and Venus embrace Let my brain bathe in our favorite needs When the world’s erased And the soil’s strange You’re the only thing I want to keep
6.
Aviary 03:21
Cicadas sing unseen in a humid belly Through the night Through the morning’s early breeze Summer cedes, bursting seams in the womb of an aviary Where we knew we’d been born again I waited to be found In another body Another head Sun rises Sun rises again You were the weight of your hurricane head You were a wreck and you’d wreck it again Let it burn for your vanity (hey) Drag earth to calamity (hey) Dark threat, Car around the sharp bend Entertaining your favorite needs You spoiled the splendor You killed the only thing you wanted to keep I waited to be found in a humid belly Before my time Before anything Summer cedes, bursting seams in the tomb of an aviary Where we know we’ll be whole again
7.
You Better 02:31
And so I’m so suddenly unearthed Back in the sound The clanging, shaking ground A stranger with a trembling temple shouts “If I knew you better  I’d ask you to try this coffee.” She says “Maybe this is all wrong, And this is the world’s worst job for a rising headache.”  And so I try, but I can’t tell her anything, Wait what does decaf even taste like? She says “No problem, I can plant the seed And if I think it has caffeine My brain will say that’s cool with me.” My arms fly over the canyon When my feet are planted in the riverbank When will this cage be left halfway unexplained? If only I knew you better If only I knew you better If only I knew you better If only I only I only I
8.
There is a string that needs to be played A song that needs a name Before it disappears Before I disappear Or else I stay the same There is a grain of sand Between my favorite teeth It's everything I can do to keep The ground under my feet Nervous like the candle flame flickers In the desert Gawking like the yellow grass getting watered And watered and watered (Getting watered and watered and watered, watered and watered) There is a string that lasts forever And holds the only thing I want to keep Halfway unexplained Or unexplained away Or else I spoil the splendor There is a flash of pause  Between your favorite thoughts It's nothing like you asked for But it's what you got Nervous like the candle flame flickers In the desert Gawking like the yellow grass getting watered And watered and watered There is a string that needs to be played There is a map that needs to be opened There is a song in search of a name There is a path that looks like an exit
9.
I’m sure I’ll find some sureness of spirit Or a truth like an onion unraveling And when you call I’ll be around to hear it Inevitable feelings beget inevitable actions For the tenth year running, I receive rival offerings The thrumming of a soft and Venus aria Versus the sound of Nina’s song declawed I’m sure I’ll find the time to forget it Unless I am more truthful with myself And when you lose your sure grip I am forgiven But you’re who’s who’s who of redirecting my decisions For the nth year running, I receive rival offerings The thrumming of a soft and Venus aria Versus the sound of Nina’s song on high Does it feel right? Does it feel right? For the final year running, I receive rival offerings The thrumming of a soft and Venus aria Versus the sound of every other song
10.
I need to know what’s in the branches Where the road can’t reach Where the soil is a stranger And there is no sea When I trade my fists for leaves When I’m unraveling And so I’m so suddenly Watching myself singing From a half-torn seed
11.
We took root by the wind-thrown river Swelling unaware from a half-torn seed And when we were tall we wanted to see The shoots we’d been been haunted to be So when the calm autumn unblurred the current We looked in and saw Our ugly colors and half-sized leaves We laughed that the image could be so inaccurate We hounded and deviled the Aviary for making Such a dumb fucking funhouse mirror So it slowed the current to a trickle And everything we’d known started dying Like it had somewhere to be Still, our picture was a parody “We demand to be admired Or we’ll let it all burn.” And it said “It’s what you’re given, But your roots are not your worth.” So the river withered in the ruthless brimstone fever ’Til the dry shade swallowed our ugliness whole We climbed to the Aviary And took root In another body, a better soul A kinder truth But the clarity like a wing Caught in half-lives Of old feelings We wanted to lose Felt our brevity like a bee sting Felt a sureness of spirit bloom When all we need is to return to Our half-torn seed “We demand our second chances We didn’t mean to let it burn.” And it said “It’s the gift you were given, But you treated it like a curse.” “We demand our second chances We never meant to let it burn.” And it said “It’s the gift you were given, I thought I made it obvious that bottomless wasn’t the word.” “We demand our second chances, To re-write the whims that led To our alarming circumstances.” And it said “… … … don’t wreck it again.”
12.
Shed It 05:40
It’s not what I said it was a year ago And it’s not that I thought I had somewhere better to be I just felt so fucked up, so untidy And the summer erupts Burning bridges beyond repair And I am going through it all Through it all at once I am going through it all Through it all at once   I used to think I was More universal  I used to think I was  More universal This is This is the cage I was so afraid of I am so afraid of Getting used to this It’s not what I said it was When I said I was being honest for once But it’s better here ‘Cause everything we touch sings like chimes And we don’t have to feel any empathy Because everyone’s fine And I am going through it all Through it all at once I am going through it all Through it all at once I used to think I was More universal  I used to think I was  More universal This is This is the cage I was so afraid of I am so afraid of Coming down from this I waited to be found In another body, another head From the cage I haunted To a cadence bent on pulling me… It’s not what I said it was when I wanted nothing more than to shed it And I’m not the same as I was When summer was softer When you cared When I didn’t care Now I’ll put in the effort To build my bridges from the dirt And I am planted in the dust Deep in the fallow I am planted in the dust Pleading with my shadow to fade This is the cage I was so afraid of? I am I am the cage I was so afraid of This is This is the thing I thought couldn’t be overcome? Well okay That’s not right at all Well okay There is no cage Well okay There is no Aviary Well okay There is no cage When we heard our brevity A song in the sunrise The promise of Venus A shell for a soft spine We no longer needed A chameleon soul This is the way We let our whims and offerings go (Well okay, I’m sure I’ll find it) Well okay, I’m sure I’ll go) From coast to coast What’s done is done When we’ve flown through different doors To be loved when we’re low It’s the same as we were When we wanted to shed it When we wanted nothing more Than a sureness of spirit We’re in good company I’m alright I’ll stay a half-torn seed I’m okay I’m in good company I’m alright Fists full of changing leaves

credits

released December 27, 2021

Music, lyrics, and performances by Matthew Alain Boerner

Produced and Mixed by Matthew Alain Boerner and Jacob Cona

Album Art by Quintin Dixon

Mastered by Jesse Mangum at The Glow Recording Studio

Performers:
Jesse Blystone (Guitar, Percussion)
Kyle Meggison (Drums)
Ben Durshimer (Bass, Vocals)
Andrew Schueneman (Vocals)
Rose Oliver (Vocals)
Orla Conway (Vocals)
Isabelle Kelley (Vocals)
Katie Priest (Vocals)
Claire Moore (Vocals)
Ali Zagame (Vocals)
Tommy Goldsworthy (Vocals)
Kate Van Petten (Vocals)
Cale Sennett (Vocals)
Jacob Cona (Vocals)
Peter Howell (Guitar, Trombone, Vocals)
Dusty Hall (Otomatone, Flute, Vocals)
Jack McLoughlin (Pedalsteel)
Vinicius Barbosa Pippa (Drums)
Eric Goetz (Accordion)
Erik Feldman (Cello, Trombone)
Steve Wilder Blumenthal (Euphonium, Trombone)
Hunter Brown (Melodica)
Nick Bergere (Drums)

Additional engineering and songwriting credits on individual tracks

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Freshman Biology Seattle, Washington

You always
have great taste,
Fists full of
changing leaves,
I miss you more
Than I'd like.

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